Bulorne, /'byo͞olôrn/, noun, a synonym for rebirth, renewal, recovery or renaissance

I have gone through a lot of faces lately, in life and on this blog, I do not know if I should continue writing and if so, what should I write. I have been thinking of searching for some kind of template that I can post2-3 times a week. I just have to say that I love having my blog which is like my digital room where I get to post what I want when I want to. Therefore, I have been changing it a lot, especially because of my mood swings and my overall wonky mental health. I guess this has been a way to cope. anyhow this is all... 🚧 In Construction 🚧

 I feel like shit.  I feel like shit.  I feel like shit.  I feel like shit.  I feel like shit.  I feel like shit.  I feel like shit. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. Why does me saying anything to anyone that’s personal or about my experience makes me like such a piece of shit, I don’t want to trauma dump on people and I just honestly feel like I shouldn’t tell anything about myself ever to anyone because it either makes them bad or awkward or makes me feel like shit, there’s no middle ground. My whole fucking life feel like a Cheval de Troie, I FUCKING HATE IT!!

 Talking to my mom makes me want to cry sometimes… Why does talking or interaction with anyone else but my parents more peaceful and nice. Even arguing with other people is nicer. For example, one time I was at a family party and I was hungry so I asked to get food but my cousin said I couldn’t, I don’t know exactly what happened after, although later on that somehow continued and I ended hiding in another and just cry because she was just so angry. She then apologized and said something regarding it and I forgave her because she meant it. If it was my mom she wouldn’t even apologize honestly and wouldn’t even acknowledge what she did wrong that made me cry. She would mock the fact that I’m crying and not to do anything about it. In the case of my dad this situation simply wouldn’t happen.  I hate the fact that I have awful parents and there’s nothing I can do, I can’t leave or move out I have to force trough it until I can leave. So far I’ve just cut ties with my dad but I’m ...

 its crazy how all i really wanted was to be loved and cared about but all I did was love and care others, I don't even love myself and I cant because I have no idea what that even means.  my mom is mad again, the sad thing is even after I'm gone she is still going to treat my sister badly which will lead to being distressed and then her father is going to sit in the living room and eat his food. and me? there is nothing I can do I'm only her sister and I wasn't that present in the past few years (I tried to be better these past few weeks tho) therefore she doesn't trust me and she doesn't have to.  my mom will never change or hear me out my dad will never change or hear me out my family will never be real my friends will never be real my cat, simi, will only live in my mind my happiness will never be tangible  all thanks to you, my stupid world, my stupid self and my wrongful view of the world I wonder why I ever thought I had a chance, I never deserved one

 today is the day and im kind of getting inpatient so ill write some stuff on here instead of twitter. my stomach and heart Are stressed probably because I did nothing today which means I didn't get distracted from the pain 1. what is wrong with this dude, like I get that he finds me annoying or even hates me but why did he look at me those rare times I was minding my business, I know blablabla alexander was right but he was also right that those things he did didn t make sense, maybe he is simply dumb idk, like I saw him looking my way when I was minding my business or like that one time in ecr class the teacher was talking and I turned around and made eye contact with him and he was just smirking like huh, I though maybe he is stupid, well he has got to be dense in some way since he likes Andrew state he is the number one manipulator of insecure teenage boys, don't know if the guy is insecure but he is nervous at times and did just go to the gym out of nowhere and was trying ...

 I don’t feel like I should, I don’t interact like I should, I don’t see things like I should, I don’t think like I should. I do nothing right. I have no reason to still be here and I’ve completed most of what I wanted to do. I go feeble things like my nails, a beanbag, a camera, a noise cancelling headphones, a computer, a phone, a vinyl player and whatever not.  I feel so disconnected right now, tomorrow is the day, I’m not going to the noodle thing, I mean ramen, I have no connection no one I want to talk to, nothing I want to say to anyone, nothing that I want to express so there won’t be a letter, I think me doing the effort of doing a blog is fucking enough already even if nobody ever reads it fully, I suck i know that okays, I won’t soon, I really hope there’s something better outside of this toxic waste of what we have left of this world. That’s the only hope I have left so I hope it does come true 

 they always ask me if ive come up with plan well this time I have but first here's a list of my last actions to try to make a place for me in the world Get into college and establish a plan for my "future" DONE, BUT WHO CARES try to patch things up with Eliana DONE AND NOTHING CHANGED try to get to know Heloise more DONE BY WHATEVER try to be more honest about how I feel to the people who want to help and programs I'm in DONE AND NO REAL HELP do things although I feel like going home STUPID OLYMPIA AND RALLYE DE MES DEUX treat myself? IM THE TREAT  plan things with friends WHAT FRIENDS? write on my blog IM NO BULORNE I DONT OWN A BLOG graduate from the hellhole to go to another YEE HAA ask him one last time, or talk to him one last time MY LAST PUNCH TO THE HURT...DONE eat my life away so I can gain some weight on my slender man body I WILL DIE SKINNY AS FUCK UNFORTUNATELY HOPEFULLY THEY DONT DO A FUNERAL FOR ME go up to zacky to tell him to go fuck himself and gabri...