idklog

 today is the day and im kind of getting inpatient so ill write some stuff on here instead of twitter. my stomach and heart Are stressed probably because I did nothing today which means I didn't get distracted from the pain

1. what is wrong with this dude, like I get that he finds me annoying or even hates me but why did he look at me those rare times I was minding my business, I know blablabla alexander was right but he was also right that those things he did didn t make sense, maybe he is simply dumb idk, like I saw him looking my way when I was minding my business or like that one time in ecr class the teacher was talking and I turned around and made eye contact with him and he was just smirking like huh, I though maybe he is stupid, well he has got to be dense in some way since he likes Andrew state he is the number one manipulator of insecure teenage boys, don't know if the guy is insecure but he is nervous at times and did just go to the gym out of nowhere and was trying to get money and stopped playing video games, a bit like scream but scream considered himself fat and he isn't that toxic on the other hand that guy is, he is like one of those people who think their opinion is their whole personality and gets offended when you call them out as if you insulted their mother and who also shoves his opinion down people throat even when no one asked so I would call that the Andrew Tate effect since he is known for saying toxic things knowingly and shoving here and there then put it out to insecure males as if its the truth and then make millions off their subscription to his scam school, I mean its not totally scamming its just not worth what they are paying and then he guilt trips them into believing that its the only way to make money, tell that to elon musk or must Idk idc. in conclusion maybe he is dumb. he is definitely easily impressed by "alpha males"

2. my body is shutting down in a way, i cant really eat, i don't feel like doing any hygiene, i cant do any hobbies or activities, being in the pool killed my neck which is fucking weird, i don't really feel physically tired more mental only even after the really (besides my neck of course)

3.im boreddddddddddddd all the fucking time, maybe the afterlife will be interesting, but i think I'm not going to remember anything when i die so if i am reincarnated that's fine but hopefully not in a life as bad as this one sheesh. i don't hurt anyone anymore because i don t interpret things the right way, i don't want to hurt me anymore or my relationships by self sabotaging when i know what will happen. i feel no guilt ever which mean it will never stop its like I'm burning my own house then crying about it, like I'm conscious of it all b ut then I'm curious of what will happen as if it will make me feel something. 

4. i have so many creative ideas who will never flourish but that's fine the world doesn't deserve them and i don't belong here, not in a way that I'm better than this world but just that i do nothing right and i always fuck ikt up even when i dol everything not to or if i have the best of intentions. i try to do thin gs to others and it fails, i try to do things because i want to them, so i don't feel miserable because i regret not doing anything but then i fuck it up like i always do, wtf am i??????

5. I did some kool photos on  my camera. that reminds me that no hears me, no matter how loud i speak no one understands what I'm  trying to say and therefore everyone underestimates me all then time, nonstop.

6. i don't want to become a psychologist to help people and then see them be broken again by the world, like wtf is the point. maybe it will get better but it molst likely wont because the world is getting worse and worse

7. i have no attachment left to anything and nothing to look forward to, I think my brain continuously did this thing where i would get more and more obsessed with a person to keep me going whether its a crush or a music artist, i love humans because they are complicated they are a puzzle, so it thought maybe if I always had questions about a human I would be curious and live on for that reason but idk. i have no real clue how much independent actions the brain can accomplish without me knowing or how much power it has on its own. 

8. I won der sometime if I'm hallucinating this whole thing because nothing feels full or real but then I get hurt and it doesn't matter if its real or not, it just hurts and I want it to stop.

9. the only time I'm sure I feel something is when I love someone, when I drink alcohol and when I spin round and round

10. I fucking hated high school, it burned any hope I had that I could be saved. i remember thinking "ah its going to be much better, I am going to make real friends and get better" but no all I have is more reasons to what I feared and no real fucking friends, I cant even celebrate my birthday without regretting being alive, nothing fucking matter, and I truly don't fucking matter to anyone this whole stupid life, the only people who say I matter is because of a reason, when someone matter its a feeling, its because you care not because you a logical reason for it, like for example I supposedly care about my family because they my family but I feel no real love for them and I don't hate them either, I just feel nothing for them or anyone for that matter unless I'm in love with them because then there's a chance they can see me and truly care about mt but no that has never happened (no shit) or else I would want a tomorrow instead I can watch for it to all be over so I can never live as "myself'" again because she is disgusting and she feels disgusting, no matter what people think. i cant wait to be rid of my "mom" who all she can do is pretend everything is alright and respond angrily about everything. i will never forget that she went as far as to punch when trying to take my iPad from JUST BECAUSE I DIDNT WANNT TO DOTHE FUCKING DISHES.

11. I hate this world where all I can truly do is feel like shnit and nothing I ever do makes me feel better, all it does it push into one distraction after another, like wtf is wrong with them. why is the only resort they want to use is guilt trip me into staying because 'people care', well if people care they would show it and act on it, the truth is revealed when people are mad and I'm putting of having to put up with all these bullshit interaction, fake friendship or connection, stupid crushes who makes fun or me or humiliate or alienate me just in the sake of holding on onto life and even my brain is fucked up WHY WOULD YOU CAUSE ME TO DREAM ABOUT SOMEONE I HAVE NEVER TALKED TO AND NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT BEFORE IN MY WHOLE LIFE AND NOW IM LEFT THINKING ABOUT THEM TO THIS DAY, THEY ARE IN MY DREAMS AND I EVEN SMELL THEM AT TIMES And honestly I just wanted this last year to be better with no crushes and no drama but look what I've got a new obsession buddy and no fucking will to live anymore (which I have always have). if I don't believe that my brain is the culprit then I am the culprit which means that I will never stop liking the wrong people which means that I will wlays be in pain forever and its enough that I always have to stop myself from doing anything but now I also have to live with the fact that my pain and distress will never stop. no I don't want, I'm tired of saying (a bit like the french book) yes. 

12. i hope my siblings grow up right. my mom is mean to me sister and my stepdad doesn't do much about it, he even tried to hit her that one time and i stopped him because its not her fault its their for the seeing her and treating her the right and instead spoiling her. a bit like what happened to me, my sister probably needs therapy honestly and the others i think they are fine, although maelan...i never say the right thingg