Bulorne, /'byo͞olôrn/, noun, a synonym for rebirth, renewal, recovery or renaissance

 i feel better, food does help. i ate some months old pogos I took 8 and ain't no way I am eating all of them. i feel better equipped to try to write travesty but I am also very bored out. i can't believe today is Monday it feels like sunday and sunday felt like Saturday and Saturday felt like friday and friday felt like nothing at all. i am bored, I want to hangout with someone who is fun but there is no such person or people. the friends that I have are mostly laughs and giggles which should be fun but no, no it's not. 

 I would like to be able to wear all the clothes I want and I like some very unique ball gowns and stuff that looks retro. I definitely a retro baby at heart at least in many departments of style, clothing style, living style, I like the suffragette, I would like to be held by the softest and warmest fabric ever too which isn’t tissue it’s pure human touch of someone who actually loves you. As rare as it is I’ve heard it’s possible for some people and I know not for me but oh well.

 I applied to college last week, hopefully I get accepted in my first choice, I like that school at least the look of it, I know that the workload is gonna kill me or cause me to get burnout often but I want to finally have the achievement of having something I want that no monetary value can buy. Also my life can be explained by Orlando by XXXTENTACION

 So what about the good things, huh? I must be alive for some good reason right? Well idk. I try to socialize more online now. I have joined calls with random people and they didn’t seem to mind me much so that was refreshing. Still don’t have anyone I can’t truly talk to tho. Everyone is stuck somewhere at the moment so stopping it isn’t something worry for anyone.  If I was granted infinite wishes and I was told be completely selfish I would ask for an actual home, where no one can hurt me, where I can grow hobbies and I have as many pets as I want and have infinite supply of that really good popcorn like in the cinemas, I would have my own home cinema to watch as many movies as I want, I could have friends that actually care and are there when I need them and I would do the exact same for them, I want a space where I can relax without worrying about any things to be done or anyone’s expectation, I wouldn’t want a well equip kitchen so I can learn to cook whatever I feel lik...

 I made this blog to try to reach indirectly to people who I thought were my friends or people I thought cared about me but as it turns out no one cares and no one reads this or not really. Because there’s a different between reading the blog post and being like “Ah I did read it” and actually reading and understanding what is being said and what in between the lines too but no one cares enough to think about any of it so. I don’t blame anyone for doing so, I blame them for lying and pretending that they care because caring about someone isn’t even something you need to validate with words you validate it with actions. 

 my mom said she made lasagna and I should come get some, I non verbally told her to piss off she called me rude. turns out it’s not homemade lasagna like I thought it’s warmed up frozen lasagne. I hate my life

 dear her, I wish I could be angry instead of sad because people who are assholes can even be praised by others but instead, I am sad so people pity me, or pretend they give a shit about me because they don't wanna see me cry because of them because its too much, my feelings are too much. I just wish I could stop caring about people's feelings and just be mad at absolutely everyone and make them pay but I can't because I still think it's my fault because they say it's my fault: I'm too this or I'm too that, simply too much. my mom knows, my dad knows, my "friend" knows, the people I use to talk to know and there is nothing I can do besides pretending I am fine so I don't burden them because even if I dared to be honest so I could get help they would get tired of me because there is a reason why they are not here right now and a reason why I can't call anyone because when I do I am always reminded how much of a burden my feelings and thought...

 dear her,  I wish I was a serial killer so I would be interesting, in some way. I would live in people's minds somehow like I think that life is very cold and I keep thinking about how cold it is all the time and how I say that I enjoy the coldness but not really because I have never felt like life has been warm ever. I mean it is what it is but I just wished I could have experienced some kind of warmth like a cat, a warm life, a warm family, a warm environment even a warm process to something or a cozy place that I could have as my own but unfortunately, everything is cold and my room isn't my own, I share it with the reminisce of the past and tortures of the future, poetic right? Well, that's exactly how it feels it's like the guy in the Alchemy of Souls who is haunted by wraiths because he took possession of a powerful stone but in my case, I don't have any stones only the wraiths. I cared about them before but I know those wraiths will live on without me the sa...