I love daydreaming but it made me realize how much my life is disgusting.

 dear her, 

I wish I was a serial killer so I would be interesting, in some way. I would live in people's minds somehow like I think that life is very cold and I keep thinking about how cold it is all the time and how I say that I enjoy the coldness but not really because I have never felt like life has been warm ever. I mean it is what it is but I just wished I could have experienced some kind of warmth like a cat, a warm life, a warm family, a warm environment even a warm process to something or a cozy place that I could have as my own but unfortunately, everything is cold and my room isn't my own, I share it with the reminisce of the past and tortures of the future, poetic right? Well, that's exactly how it feels it's like the guy in the Alchemy of Souls who is haunted by wraiths because he took possession of a powerful stone but in my case, I don't have any stones only the wraiths. I cared about them before but I know those wraiths will live on without me the same way everything lives on. I just really wished at least I could have the environment you know like a plant and a comfy room or bean bag, I tried to buy a bean bag but it wasn't able to be shipped here, I just wanted something that I would have for me just this once I wanted to be able to be selfish about something because none of the things, I own are mine and they constantly remind me of it and I just can't anymore. I don't control what I say, or how I act or react, whether or not they look at me because I would want them not to, even the choice of whether I get up or give up. No matter how much I want to give up as soon as they show a sign, I give a limb to them and that's the most disgusting part about me. I just wanted one thing, I just want to have a bit of freedom over something and every single time that thought itself is taken away from me. Realistically, I will never have a cat, never have my own home, never have my own time and never have any children or garden or whatever it is I want. I would literally be happy would getting a plant but I can't because I don't have the money and the plant would die because of the condition of my room. Sometimes I like to imagine being in a shed far away from everything with some dogs and a farm, in a small town, that would be majoritarily populated by trees and where I would see the stars outside because the industrial life wouldn't have been able to take it away and I would be able to decide on my own to go outside and just breath finally. I just want to be able to breathe and inhale and exhale infinitely. I just want to be able to take my first breath and celebrate every day but all I can do is bury every day so the weight of my existence doesn't take up too much space because while I don't need much, I am too much and they love to remind me. I don't want to go to school anymore, I just want to breathe. I don't want to force myself to eat anymore, smile anymore, or hide my eyes anymore, I just want to breathe and have a plant or something. That's stupid but I just want it and I want the things that I want to not feel stupid anymore.