AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJHHH

 not a single person cares about me. and of course, I am going to write it on my blog since not a single person is gonna read it because no one cares they have got better things to do than think about my miserable existence. it is so disgusting really that I even dare to think any of them would do jack shit for me. no one checks up on me, no one helps me with anything, no one is physically there to even give me a simple hug and each time I give and I give I'm tired. right now I am a bit drunk because I had a sick feeling in my stomach and nothing can heal that so I took some rum from the bar in the living room it is 47% alcohol it definitely feels more muscular than the vodka and tequila I drink last year. i feel drunker but I am still quite able you know besides the fact that my head moves around here and there. i just want to die really so I never get to feel this sick feeling in my stomach like when I heard about that child rapist who paid his victims. that happened here, can you believe it??? i hate this world, people are shit and selfish and disgusting, they don't care about anyone and it is not that they don't care about me is that they don't appreciate anything they're cheap and envious and jealous and don't respect the priveledges they have been given, I hate people, this world is filled with toxic environments and whatever. i wish someone could just shoot me right quick just here and there so I don't exist anymore, I hope they try to hide it by burning my body. i want to be incinerated but I don't care what happens to my ashes. i wish I could have a love like the girl in the glory that show on Netflix who will just do anything for me in a creepy way. honestly, I would love to live in that house he lives in so spacious so much space to dance and what he did with the tent it's remarkable. i wish someone loved me enough to want me to be there but no one does. i can feel it when someone doesn't necessarily want me to be there they just want someone to be there with them or for them or whatever exactly like Andrej. he was exactly like that. he gaslit me into thinking he loved me so much and I was just so bad for him and just in general but really he didn't love me at all. he just loved my presence and my use. i was unexpected and I loved him. in a sense I was obsessed with him but me being obsessed and someone else being obsessed is pretty different so, of course, he didn't see that. man I literally wanted the guy to always be there and I put up with him although he was against so many of my values and all he saw is a weird girl who didn't care about him enough, although it's true that I acted that way sometimes it's not like there wasn't a thousand thoughts between every action. to him those thoughts don't exist because I am the way I am not in his eyes. then we have john who doesn't give a shit about me really, I trust him but he doesn't true me or love me. and then jake which I haven't gotten to know yet but I'm pretty sure he simply is lonely and grasp the first occasion to get out to it. its ridiculous the potential and beauty I see in people vs how they see me as this little insignificant thing when I am so much more if you get to know but no cares so let's move on. i just want to be at peace man. i just want to finally feel valued for the first time after all these years and breath but I keep drowning and people watch me drown but don't do anything. do you know the amount of shit I would do to help someone or protect them (no, not murder) but its a lot and I think about it or even just the effort I put into getting to know new people those same new people could never. idfk why I am still alive but it sucks I hate it here. i want to die, nothing truly makes me happy, no one cares about me and god-forbid me from existing because that shit is exhausting. i don't have a cat, no one loves me, I have no passion left, I have no energy left my soul is even tired, dude I literally slept over 8 hours almost 9 multiple days in a row and I just feel like shit and I still feel tired still. this life sucks and no one cares whether I am there or not.at least compared to home much I care I worry about people all the time and think about what I can do to help others but them they don't care.i watch people see if they are about to fall and I help them get up right away I am not even looking for someone to do that for me because I know no one will I am literally the only person with as much empathy or as much thought about other people. i am simply, I want simply someone who will be there when I need it and not all the time just when in am like right now. I need a 5 minutes hugs and warmth that can only be human-given and not alcohol given, someone if I ask them to talk and talk for hours to listen to them they will be able to do it and not in a toxic way not in an I complain about everything way just normally pressing the essence of their uniqueness. i just want to love someone who will love me back and who loves me for being me and not for being someone. me specifically. i want to be special to at least that one person. i want someone to want me to be here and I know it can replace a self-justification for being here I am not searching for a replacement for justifications to be here. i just want to hold value to someone else than myself. because I honestly think I am fabulous but no one else does so I just want one person to love me. just one!