if only anyone could have tried to understand.

dear her

I've been through some tough and rough times and I can't lie I never thought I would have made it out alive, and while I still feel like I'm drowning at times I tend to find more moments of peace and more people to enjoy, I can even enjoy myself at times but too good of a mood comes with a drowning phase so in honour of those things I've never truly talked about. here's an old text from my journal:

October 31st, 2021 (almost November)

the IMPRINT of my scars (by me)

I want my lights

I crave that familiar warmth

I'm imprinted as a being of hurt

Who has hurt and been hurt

I seek refuge in the arms of people I don't know

I seek refuge in symphonies that I can't sing but that can tell what is my pain

My pain and my regret are imprinted on me 

I walk and breathe every day against my will 

Will I die, peacefully? only I know that I've suffered

I know because my mind keeps telling me so

After every mistake I make, it reminds me

"In my mind, I go far

In real life, not so much but just enough"

I seek the feeling of accomplishment 

In every skill that I try to own

I seek living whilst I feel dead

Because certain parts of me are disconnected

And have been for a long while

No one seems to realize but I know, only I

I also know that the real me is not buried in me 

But has left. Fault of space

Space that has been taken by my insecurities...

My regrets, my pains, my remorse, my cries, my screams

But they have been locked away inside this body of mine

Inside what is left of me. My spirit

And now and forever I walk and talk for them

Me. The newest version of myself

Although "no one should worry about me"

Because they've messed me up and locked up my feelings

And I walk every day.

Feeling the emptiness growing every day

But now I have nothing against it

Because what came to destroy me 

Healed me

Stopped the bleeding 

To replace it with emptiness 

That I try to fill up every day with

excuses

cries

regrets

negative thoughts

ultimately giving me a purpose

Who's allowed me to dig more and more the hole that is my stomach 

Now I'm left overpopulating my brain with sadness and anger

These feelings drown and destroy what's left of my body and my spirit 

But yet I am still thankful

Because those voices, who tell me to end it

Know a secret, that no one has told me, they can't agree with it

And I've never been someone to follow the crowd

so, now I'm left with this so-called "distorted reality" 

That takes my pain away along with my dreams, my energy, my happiness, my interests and my hunger

But it's the price that I shall pay for the crime

"That is my life"


Locked away inside this body of mine

That people wanted me to stay in

Because they never will truly understand 

The burden that is breathing against your will

And feeling "the evilness of yourself"

Exposed to others. So yes, I want it to be stopped, stopped forever, 

Sweet Dreams...


mybulorne

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