For as long as I remember I've always liked to look at people... ( or I simply do it often)

 dear bulorne,

I look at people when I walk, when I talk or when they talk or when they walk

I look at people when I cry, I look at people when they smile, I look at people when I can't see them, I will even look at people when they don't see me 

I test to see if there are alright, they don't check to see if I'm alright 

Never has someone looked at me enough to say "Hey! You seem to be dealing with a lot lately. You cry a lot a lot, you're inside your head a lot and you don't really seem to be here as much these days. Is there a reason for it? Do you want to talk about it? If you want you can just cry about it and I'll be there to hold you." 

Mind you that I've never done that for anyone or said that to anyone because I feel like that would be too much but there hasn't been a day where I don't want to do more than extra to make a difference for someone, for Iulia, for Nassima, for Ashley, for Yvesha, for Alexander, for Florence, for random people I've never talked to hell even for Sabrina, rarely for people who hate me but it has happened. I can't stop it, I can't stop caring, no matter how hard I try I can't stop wanting to do the most so people can feel better in their own skin, in their own life, the only thing stopping me from completely exhausting myself beyond repairable is knowing that if I start, I will be stuck in this vicious cycle that will eventually kill me and maybe even hurt them in the process. For that reason, I stand back, I observe them and when I can I try to interact with them but never to the point of no return because when becoming someone's main mechanic you place yourself in a box that can't be empty again. It's a box that needs to be filled by oneself but some people never had been taught to do that for themselves. Hell, even I didn't and some people did but to a mere level and some people are just fine but at times I know they're tired of being in that box alone and I can understand and at times I want to join them and I know that if I come out their box, I'll be free of it but it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel right to help one person while another one also needs help; I know they say that one person cannot help everyone and it would hurt to try but I hate seeing people hurt knowing that I could have done something. If I wasn't as broken as I am, I could do it right now with moderation but I know no boundaries. I've been taught as a child that if I start to do something it will never be enough and for that reason, I have to continue until exhaustion and even after that it still isn't enough to their standards nor to my standards, who've only grown out to be a mere copy of theirs but with better intentions. I want them to be happy but I can't even be happy myself so how could I bring it to someone else. Hopefully, when I die, I'm brought back as someone who can actually do something. 

Florian. B